Words of Comfort from an Old Schoolmate

I am always impressed by the desire to connect, to reach out and touch someone with words. I guess that explains my fascination with online media - youtube, twitter, facebook. Many times, it is just an individual caught up in this idea that the world revolves around him or her - that friends and strangers are better for knowing what they are doing. Or yearning to know every move they make. I try not to get caught up in that illusion. But every now and then, it's fun to play in.

Sometimes these internet aficionados stumble (knowingly so at times) upon the power and possibility, the art (two letters shy of heart - lets add them in), of words. I am so grateful for these beautiful moments, when a single line can reveal so much depth of thought, feeling, or vision. Sometimes these few words unintentionally smack you in the face and grip your heart. Sometimes words make you chuckle out loud garnering quizzical looks from coworkers. And sometimes a message from an old acquaintance can release beautiful, healing tears.

One thing about facebook that always seems to boggle my mind is how it affects my perception of time. Yes, I can spend hours playing farmville (I want that damn Japanese tea house already, gah) or refreshing my friends' status updates - but that isn't what I mean when I talk about perceiving time. It's amazing to see how old friends have changed, to see how their lives are exciting or tragic or full of love (all very good qualifiers of a life well lived). If I ever need to be humbled, I just click through the old pictures of myself. I watch myself grow.

The other day, I mused to myself on my walk back from the subway. Time is like water spilled on a lacquered surface. It puddles up at first, and slowly begins to reach outward refracting light as it does. This light bounces off of each and every one of us - we've all been touched someone else's time. Sometimes it moves quicker than expected, it hits an unbalanced patch of woodwork and speeds away. Other times it hits a knot, or a rut and seems to pool in one area forever. Time is constantly replenishing itself, and the surface of life is infinite. Soon enough I am 23, post college, trying to say goodbye for now to a woman I have loved (and will love) all my life. And still I am amazed at how I am 5, and 10, and 15 in an instant. Memory is the ability to view what is infinite - to view time again and again. The pool of water turns in on itself, rounds a curved corner of the surface and comes right back. Memory bends time...

In second grade, Eve made me cry. Looking back on it - I can't remember how or why, but I remember my frustration and I remember the image of me in the lunch room crying in front of my classmates - and more importantly, Eve. In my mind, we had an unspoken rivalry. She was an incredibly beautiful child, too beautiful to be my friend. Reflecting on her time, (the refractions of light that bounced off of my time) I am able to see now how deep her beauty runs and I am honored to call her an old friend. And how in my perception of her time, all those uneven surfaces had created someone not only wise but full, strong, and beautiful. Eve has seen loss, has felt it many ways. She was able to triumph over a debilitating accident, something a sixth grader should never have to endure. She never once faltered or indulged in self pity - at least, the refractions I saw never once showed anything but strength and bravery. She held herself high, and lived (what else) beautifully. Again, after high school graduation she was faced with great loss - only this time, the loss was not something to triumph over. Her older sister passed away unexpectedly. The family was rocked - and while I didn't keep direct contact with Eve, the internet provided a means for me to check up on her. A way for me to keep viewing her time. Eve became even stronger, and even more beautiful. She became this way for her family, for her nephew, for her sister, and even for herself. Apparently she has been able to keep tabs on my time as well. I am now 23, out of school, and Eve made me cry.

Eve managed to share with me just a small amount of her time and her strength and her beauty - not surprisingly enough, over facebook. She sent me words, her art, which revealed her heart to me. And all of my words here, my art, share my heart right back. I will post the message below - and if Eve requests, I will take it down:

Kyle,
I’ve been trying to write you but I’ve struggled to articulate my thoughts into the perfect message. I, of all people should have realized there are no right words to say. So I'll give my truth. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother, your family has been on my mind. My heart aches for you Kyle.
I'll tell you that grief comes in waves. Some days denial is your best friend and you’re grateful for its numbing effects. Some days out of nowhere reality crashes down and it really fucking sucks. Sorry for the profanity but there are times when the F bomb just needs to be dropped lol.
I offer you this, it does get easier over time and eventually life regains a new sense of normalcy. You never get over the death of someone you love but you heal in a way that makes it possible to go on. Life moves forward and you survive by cherishing your memories and learning to live with your loss.

There are a few things I would like to share with you ♥ .

"I am fooling only myself when I say that my mother exists now only in the photograph on my bulletin board or in the outline of my hand or in the armful of memories I still hold tight. She lives on beneath everything I do. Her presence influenced who I was, and her absence influences who I am. Our lives are shaped as much by those who leave us as they are by those who stay. Loss is our legacy. Insight is our gift. Memory is our guide."
(After my sister passed away someone sent this quote to me & I love it. Even though it was originally about a mother, I still relate to every word.)


“Loss has been part of my journey, but it has also shown me what is precious.”


"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”
-- Washington Irving


“I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those were some of the best times of my life.”


“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.” -- Edna St. Vincent Millay


Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to new understanding
with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never, ever the same.


Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
and never stops at all.
--Emily Dickenson


“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”
-- Winnie the Pooh

But what about when you're far away?
Does your love go too, or does it stay?
Look up at the stars.
They're far, far away.
But their light reaches us
at the end of each day.
It's like that with love
we may be close, we may be far,
but our love still surrounds us...
wherever we are.
(This is actually from a childrens book given to my sisters son after she passed away. It's very sweet.)


And lastly, my personal favorite of all times ♥ . ♥ . ♥ .

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
--e.e. cummings



My deepest condolences
Thinking of you ♥
Love,
Eve